In case you haven’t noticed (I hope you have), I’ve been away for a little while. It’s been close to two months now since I lost my stepmom to cancer. For those who may question whether the loss of a stepmother can be as deep as the loss of a biological mother, know this – IT CAN. In many ways, I didn’t realize just how deep. While she was, in fact, a step, she was a mom and more to me. She was a friend and confidant, cheerleader and supporter, there for me in many ways that my biological mother could not be.
As I write this, tears come to my eyes in knowing that I will not talk to or see her again. Many people have told me that the grief will never end – it will just soften. Of all those I have lost in my life, she was the person I have known the longest (39 years) and to whom I was the closest. With that comes a very intense grief and a sense of loss, emotions that no lessons from my formal education could prepare me for.
Although I have always known there is no real way to prepare yourself for losing someone close to you, this time I experienced a new frustration that, as consistent and “normal” as death is, it remains one of those things there is no “standard” way to really “prepare.” As an engineer, I am always looking for how to solve the problem. Unfortunately, like the cancer from which my stepmom suffered, there is never a specific “solution” to the grief that you feel. It seems like grief is always a crash course, but a course in which you are never really sure when it is over, if you have made the grade, and the exact final lesson. Of course, you learn quickly that there are tools, templates and resources to help you get your assets and wishes in order and executed. There is consensus on parts of the curriculum, however, that same level of “standard curriculum” is not available when it comes to handling the emotions that come over you and the impact they have on you.
Grief is unique based on each individual’s deeply personal experience. The lessons learned are equally unique and personal. It is hard to “standardize education” around it. For all the areas that educated persons, educational institutions and education curriculum has been able to improve, grief and its effects are not among them, at least not in the formal sense. (There are no formal required classes in high schools or universities in “Bereavement” or “Preparing for Grief.”)
To that end, in the spirit of education and health, I am dedicating this blog to sharing the few lessons I have learned and continue to learn.
Lesson 1: BE PATIENT AND COMPASSIONATE with yourself in the early stages.
I’m going to be honest. In the immediate aftermath of my stepmom’s death (and even in the week leading up to it), I was not able to sleep or eat well and didn’t have a lot of time to really focus on healing and managing my grief (much less self-care, see below). It was not until I was back at home in Atlanta, attempting to return to a state of normalcy, that I was able to act on the remaining lessons below. As I discussed in a previous post, self-compassion and patience with myself required all of my energy in the early days.
