Over the past several months there has been a plethora of articles and studies that have discussed the supposed crisis in male relationships. Websites such as Salon, Men’s Health, The Good Men’s Project, Psychology Today and featured articles have reported on the lack of real personal camaraderie and intimacy among American men.
Among all groups in America, White heterosexual males have the fewest number of friends. In addition, the relationships that they have with other men are often much more platonic and guarded than those of other groups.
The theories as to why so many men have a deficit of friends vary. However, there does seem to be one commonality. American men are in state of crisis when it comes to male companionship. That being said, there are a number of reasons as to why this situation exists. We live in society where men are taught to be strong, rugged and brawny. While these expectations have been punctured to a certain extent, they are still prevalent enough to give many men pause in engaging in behavior that may be seen as deviating from what is seen as “appropriate behavior.”
Historically, society has promoted the message “real men” do not express their emotions. They do not complain of being in pain or discuss their fears, insecurities, apprehensions, etc. And they most certainly are not supposed to display any sort of emotions either in public or private. It has been an unwritten rule that men are to be as impervious as possible. Failure to uphold or maintain any of these qualities disqualifies you from being seen as a “legitimate” male.
Another factor is that men are supposed to be competitive. Whether at work, romance or play. In the world of masculinity, life is supposed to be ongoing competition. Men are expected to be saviors. You are expected to be competitive and as good, if not superior, to your fellow male counterparts. You are expected to immerse yourself in an environment that is ripe with passion, intensity and grit. Being number one is what counts. Men are supposed to be the ultimate alpha males.
Some of this behavior is due to the pressure that men put on one another, but some of it is due to the attitudes of women. Men are in competition with each other for women. Despite the fact that some women argue that they prefer the kind, thoughtful, sensitive, caring male (and some women truly do), the fact is that many women prefer men who embrace the strong, Herculean male image. While women say they want the Alan Alda males, many desire the Don Draper/MadMen type of man.
Several months ago, I was having this discussion with an acquaintance at a local coffeehouse. The person in question is a divorced father of two who used to live in the deep south. After his divorce he left the region. We discussed his experience of being married to a woman whose family was a part of the WASP southern aristocratic class. He comes from a middle class White family as well. He went into fascinating detail of how competitive and cutthroat this particular society was. Apparently, it was a very difficult circle for anyone to break into.
